A Success Story
Case History of Couple with Marital Issues
“Our relationship was over when we met you. . .”
A couple in their late thirties came into counseling seeking help with their relationship. Married for 13 years, the couple complained they had “grown apart” and that the last six years of the marriage had become stressful and lonely for both of them. Both expressed feelings of rejection when one showed a sexual interest that was not reciprocated. They were experiencing a cycle of needing to withdraw for self-protection, alternated by periods of “smothering” each other when sensing the other’s withdrawal. To cope with the stress, the wife turned to excessive spending and exercise at the gym; the husband turned to outside friends who were neither respectful nor supportive of his relationship. The husband also began confiding in the teenage daughter (his step-daughter) about the marital problems. Both husband and wife suffered with depression. His depression manifested itself as anger, which caused both the wife and daughter to feel like they were “walking on eggshells.” He also began pouring himself into his work. The wife’s depression manifested itself in physical symptoms including body aches and weight gain. The wife stated she did not love her husband anymore; he knew they had reached a point where counseling was needed to “save the marriage” when she asked him to leave.
The therapist provided guidance and education in several key areas, including:
Communications and coping mechanisms.
Explored how each of them “exit” the relationship when things became stressful (i.e., withdrawing to the gym, venting to friends).
Examined the nonverbal messages they perceived by each other’s actions, the resulting emotions they felt, and how they responded to those feelings. Examined the fears behind feelings of anger, of losing the relationship altogether, of being rejected and abandoned.
Explored ways to assure that problems are addressed within the relationship rather than outside.
Examined how their past life experiences have influenced their current needs and perspectives and how to be aware of and sensitive to these in each other.
Within counseling sessions, the couple was taught (and then practiced at home) communication techniques to better mirror, empathize, become attuned to and validate each other.
Sexual relations.
Explored models for a romantic relationship -- what healthy components they would like to emulate compared to unhealthy components that they would like alternatives to.
Learned about intimacy and explored individual needs for togetherness as well as privacy and time alone.
Explored practical methods to enhance sexual attraction in addition to strengthening sense of emotional connection and safety within the relationship to increase libido and attraction to each other.
The family relationship.
Defined a vision for their relationship with the entire family. This included defining what they would like their interactions to look and sound like, how they would like to spend time together and when, what roles each member in the household would have.
Learned about healthy family systems, including appropriate and direct channels of communication and establishing clear boundaries (and how a blurring of these boundaries can contribute to a shift in the hierarchical structure of the family, thus contributing to unhealthy roles within the family).
Through the work described above, the couple has been able to celebrate many successes. Instead of “exiting” the relationship, they now turn towards each other within the relationship to communicate directly and problem solve. By establishing a healthy, appropriate chain of communication and roles within the family system, the couple has noticed that both of their children feel more emotionally safe and respectful toward them; the children now know the parents are capable and committed to handling adult matters between the two of them. The couple reports they regularly use the communication skills learned in sessions, which they have found valuable and helpful. Finally, the couple state that they have developed a greater understanding and empathy for each other’s needs, have “grown” a trust for each other, and have been able to tear down the emotional walls that each had built -- thus leading to a more emotionally fulfilling and physically intimate relationship.
In a recent session, the husband stated to the therapist, “Our relationship was over when we met you. Thanks to your help, we were able to work things out and our relationship is so much better and going to last. We have told all of our friends about you!”
